Hair Here, Gone Tomorrow

“Door se dekha to ande ubal rahe the,
Paas aake dekha to ganje uchal rahe the”

(From afar it looked like eggs boiling,
A closer look revealed it was just baldies leaping)

Hair, rather the lack of it, has been an ageless concern and the butt of jokes (the latest being Zidane butting his bald head). A receding or missing hairline is something school kids find funny and adults find alarming. A friend of a friend was about to get married to the girl of his choice. In a good job, from a respectable family and also good to look at. But the girl’s dad said ‘No.’ The only reason, the prospective groom doesn’t have enough hair on his head. Using this as an excuse many of my friends urge me to tie the knot at the earliest. In tapori lingo, “Baal nahi to maal nahin” (doesn’t translate very well into English, but means ‘no hair, no girl’). I prefer to remain unconcerned by such concerns, even though genetics urges me to. And the evidence on my pillow seems to substantiate that.

People like Einstein and our dear prez Dr. Avul Pakir Jainulabdeen Abdul Kalam don’t support my cause too well. Characters like Shakaal, Dr Dang, the ones played by Amrish Puri, Shetty (remember him?) and the dear Lucifer just made things worse. And so did Salman Khan (Down South, they say, you can’t even be bald below your nose) Even our mythology doesn’t feature anyone naturally bald (all the baldies that I know of are the voluntary ones). From the Creator through the Preserver and to the Destroyer, all sport long manes. From the yesteryears only Socrates was of some solace and now this news item:

King of the jungle? Only if you’re bald

The lion’s mane, that magnificent ruff associated with vigour and virility, is a turn-off for lionesses, scientists have found.

Zoologists have discovered that the more impressive the mane the more likely lionesses are to turn away in favour of a balder mate.

Far from being a guarantee of feline virility and strength, an impressive mane indicates to the females that the lion is past his prime.

But who would dare make a pass at a lioness?

Getting bald is like getting a little plump. Left to yourself you wouldn’t feel much uncomfortable about it. But like most things superficial, it is the peer pressure that gets you into a complex. Many jokes just revolve around weight and hair. “Ujre chaman (ravaged garden),” is a common salutation. But there are brighter things about going bald. The brightest is that you head gets brighter. Others are as follows:

1. America’s national bird is the Bald Eagle; therefore it is less likely that Uncle Bush would aim his missiles at you.
2. Persis Khambatta, Sarika, Protima Bedi, Nandita Das and Shabana Azmi have all sported a bald look and also looked good in it. This translates into the fact that if women look good being bald, they would also like bald men.
3. You wouldn’t have a bad hair day.
4. You’ll save a lot on hair cream and gels. It might mean that you spend more on soap, but soap is anyday cheaper then hair gel. You save money anyway.
5. You’ll also save on shampoo.
6. And combs.
7. You can now do away with the backpocket comb that your girlfriend always found very tapori type.
8. You’ll spend less time before the mirror and have more time for life.
9. The barber might charge you the same (though the joke says that he’ll charge more) for cutting lesser hair, but the visit to the barber’s shop will be shorter.
10. Your kids or nephews and nieces can’t pull your hair out (nor can you when frustrated).
11. Your partner can’t play with your hair; she’ll now have to play with something else.
12. You can do a Zidane (for money, of course).
13. Zidane gave the baldies new weapon, now your adversaries will be wary of you.
14. It’s goodbye to oily pillows and stains on the wall.
15. You don’t have to worry about grey (applicable only for the all bald).
16. You don’t have to worry whether middle or side parting looks better on you.
17. Your Gillette Mach III will now give you more value for money.
18. Statistics suggest that most bosses are bald. Therefore you also have a high probability of becoming a boss, or at least getting a raise, as your boss can relate to you.
19. Dengue mosquitoes can bite you through the gaps in the hair, but you cannot apply mosquito repellant there. The hairless don’t have any such worries.
20. You can now write ‘none’ against the colour of hair column in forms.
21. You’ll have one less area to scratch during the hot and sweaty summers.
22. Bald plates are like finger prints, you can also be recognised from behind.
23. You can now stop calling your beloved ‘moon’ it’s her turn now (I’m not very sure if the ‘moon calling’ phenomenon is restricted to films only or is also replicated in real life romances).
24. You can play the villain in Hindi films. It is the villain who gets the most fun in films; the fights are anyway fake (with the exception of I-don’t-have-any-talent-but-the-producer-is-my-uncle and I-don’t-know-how-to-act-but-am-a-model-and-films-is-the-only-place-where-I-can-earn-more-than-my-girlfriend).
25. Bald men look more mature.
26. And intelligent.
27. And also prosperous (a pot belly adds to the effect).
28. You don’t have to worry about washing your hair after Holi.
29. You can give the shoe polish boy an idea of how much you want your shoes to shine.
30. If your girlfriend doesn’t leave you along with your hair, she’s the right one for you. Now you don’t have to wait years before you find out.
31. No lice and also no dandruff.

If the above reasons are not convincing enough (readers’ help in expanding the list is sought), there are expensive alternatives available to make your top look blacker (or whatever colour you want it to be). Go for allopathy, homeopathy, ayruved, unani, transplanting or weaving. Just don’t go for a wig or a toupee and also don’t grow your hair longer on one side, so that you can comb it to the other to cover the bald spot in between.

Bald is best bold.

PS: The close cropped profile pic isn’t for hiding a receding hairline. The crop atop is still dense.